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Quickies 28 February 2018

UK QUICKIES

COLD… The bitterly cold weather is still causing major problems for commuters in many parts of Britain…

 

(** I don’t want to worry you, but, apparently, this “Beast From The East” is set to be followed almost immediately by the “Better Wear A Woolly Vest From The West” **)

 

TERROR… The retiring head of counter-terrorism policing in the UK has warned of the growing threat of far-right terrorism…

 

(** Apparently, some of these right-wing violence-loving psychos will happily hold our Government to ransom… But that’s the DUP for you… **)

 

OLD NURSE… Britain's oldest and longest-serving NHS nurse has finally retired at the age of 86…

 

(** So, from now on, if you want to see an NHS worker who looks like they’re 86 years old, you’ll have to check out the face of a 25 year-old junior doctor **)

 

PRIMARK… Figures show that sales at Primark took a hit in autumn following a spell of warmer than usual weather…

 

(** Wow – I didn’t realise you needed an excuse not to buy Primark clothes – I thought the fact they’re Primark clothes was enough **)

 

DINING… Barclaycard have developed a “Dine and Dash” app that can help people split bills and pay them quickly in restaurants…

 

(** I’m developing a similar app for people on my pay scale – It shows us the fastest route home from the restaurant when we decide to do a runner without paying **)

 

DARK PANTHER… Tesco says it's “extremely sorry” for labelling a fancy dress costume as Dark Panther, instead of Black Panther…

 

(** It’s a shame, coz it went really well with the other products in theirs range, such as “Dark Forest Gateaux”, “Darkcurrant Juice” and “Chicken in Dark Bean Sauce” **)

 

CARE… According to new research, choosing a care home is more stressful than buying a house or deciding where your child goes to school…

 

(** Well, it will be once you’ve seen the fees **)

 

CIRCUS… The Government's revealed that wild animals will be banned from circuses within two years…

 

(** Bad news for circuses… unless their bearded lady is particularly good at impressions **)

 

DAIRY… It's been reported that British shoppers may be sold “inferior” dairy products if a post-Brexit trade deal with the US goes ahead…

 

(** Apparently, some US milk can have steroids in it… but that’s only coz the people there need extra strength to open the Tetra-Pak containers it comes in **)

 

INVASION… New research has uncovered that Hitler would have targeted the North East of England during any planned Nazi invasion of Britain…

 

(** He wanted to reduce the UK to a devastated wasteland… and he thought he’d start in Sunderland, coz it wouldn’t have meant much work **)

 

CHICKEN… A fast food shop in the London Borough of Haringey has launched a range of healthier options including grilled chicken and baked potatoes in a bid to cut local obesity rates…

 

(** Good idea – Not quite as good as KFC’s incredibly healthy “No Chicken Range” that they launched last week, but clever nonetheless **)

 

CAMILLA… The Duchess of Cornwall has refused to undertake a tour of Australia with her husband because apparently it is too ‘gruelling’…

 

(** Plus, she wants to avoid embarrassment, coz someone at customs always demands that she’s put in quarantine when she gets there **)

 

 

 

 


WORLD QUICKIES

 

CRUISE… Two Canadians have pleaded guilty to smuggling millions of dollars-worth of cocaine into Sydney, Australia, on a cruise ship…

 

(** Apparently, they broke the cruise ship code – Judging by most cruise passengers the only powdery substance you’re allowed to bring on board is Horlicks **)

 

SNAKE… A woman has discovered a highly venomous snake in her child's lunchbox in Australia…

 

(** As kiddie diet tips go, it’s dangerous, but effective **)

 

LOO PAPER… Taiwan retailers have seen a rush on people buying toilet paper, as word spread of an imminent sharp price rise…

 

(** It’s kind of ironic, coz if you can’t get hold of any, you’ll get so stressed that you’ll end up really needing it **)

 

SELF-DRIVING CARS CAN'T GO THROUGH CAR WASHESThey're starting to find some problems with the whole self-driving car thing. One of them is keeping the thing clean. A self-driving vehicle’s exterior needs to be cleaned even more frequently than a typical car because of the dozens - yes DOZENS - of sensors that must remain free of obstructions. Dirt, dead bugs, bird droppings or water spots can impact the vehicle’s ability to drive safely. But there are a range of problems with putting a self-driving vehicle through a traditional automated car wash, experts say. For example, soap residue or water spots could effectively “blind” an automobile. Big mechanical brushes could jar the vehicle’s sensors, disrupting their calibration and accuracy. Even worse, sensors, which can be very, very expensive, could be broken. Until they get the problems worked out, the safest bet is to wash the car by hand…


(** Feel safe yet? **)


(** Nice to know humans will always find work hand-washing our robot overlords. **)

 

ROBOT GRANDMASwedish scientists are working on using artificial intelligence to
make “fully conscious copies” of people when they die. Swedish funeral agency Phoenix is currently looking for volunteers who are willing use their dead relatives for the study. The scientists want to build robot replicas that look exactly like family members and friends who have died. It is similar to an episode of the sci-fi series “Black Mirror” which depicts a grieving woman buying an AI version of her dead boyfriend. The scientists hope the robots will be able to complete sophisticated tasks such as answering questions, or carrying on a conversation…


(** Yes, but what's the good of it if they only speak Swedish? **)


(** And who wants to talk to their stupid relatives anyway? **)

 

 

 

ENTERTAINMENT QUICKIES

 

MORGAN… Piers Morgan has admitted that he has no idea how much his Good Morning Britain co-star, Susannah Reid, earns…

 

(** It’s thought Piers earns more because of the big interviews he does – Mainly coz they’re part-interview, part rectal examination **)

 

COLE… Brendan Cole has revealed that his All Night Long tour was almost thrown into jeopardy after his tour bus caught fire…

 

(** Apparently, he tried stamping out the flames for 2 minutes… and as a result he’s now an expert at the Riverdance style **)

 

FAIERS… Former TOWIE star Sam Faiers has said it’s annoying when other mothers judge her parenting style on social media…

 

(** Lots of parents use the TOWIE style parenting method: It stands for “Television On When I’m Exhausted” **)

 

ANT & DEC… Ant and Dec are preparing to celebrate the 100th episode of Saturday Night Takeaway this weekend…

 

(** Well, Dec’s going to be celebrating it – Ant’s stopped enjoying features where someone walks away with a lot of possessions, coz it reminds him of his divorce talks **)

 

NETFLIX… According to a study, a fifth of British Netflix viewers watch shows at work…

 

(** I don’t need to watch shows like “House of Cards” here – If I want to experience skulduggery and political manoeuvring I can just check out my work colleagues **)

 

DASH… “Clueless” actress Stacey Dash has announced that she is running for Congress in the US for the Republican party…

 

(** Makes sense for a Clueless actress to ally herself with the Republicans – They already have the Clueless president **)

 

DODD… Veteran comic Ken Dodd has left hospital after recovering from a chest infection…

 

(** He had one of those infections that really irritated his chest every time he breathed – Or, as he put it: “How tickled it was…” **)

 

BERRY… On her new cookery show, Mary Berry has been accused of flirting with a 39 year-old Swedish chef…

 

(** Well, she asked him if he had any ideas for things to do with a piece of old mutton that’s way past its prime, so we assume she was flirting… **)

 

JONES… Actress Suranne Jones has admitted she's unsure if she wants to do any more “Doctor Foster” series'…

 

(** Typical – Even our pretend NHS doctors want to quit coz they’re overworked **)

 

HORNER… Geri Horner has hinted at new music and gigs for the Spice Girls…

 

(** Not sure “hinted” is the correct term – I think it’s probably “threatened” **)

 

MCGREGOR… Ewan McGregor has reportedly been spotted with his ex-wife – a day after he allegedly split from his girlfriend Mary Elizabeth Winstead…

 

(** It’s thought he was pleading with her to avoid turning to the darkest force in the universe… or, as he calls them: “Divorce Lawyers” **)

 

SHEERAN… Ed Sheeran has officially been declared the world's best-selling recording artist of 2017….

 

(** He’s bland and yet somehow seen as alternative – I call him “Beige Against The Machine” **)

 

KHLOE KARDASHIAN… Khloe Kardashian has revealed she’ll eat her placenta after she gives birth to her first child with Tristan Thompson…

 

(** What’s the betting this’ll turn into a reality series where Jamie Oliver has to find 6 different ways of cooking it for her? **)

 

SCHERZINGER… Nicole Scherzinger has impressed her fans with a picture of her performing a gravity-defying Pilates move…

 

(** Apparently, it’s great for her core… as every one of her male fans that’s seen hit has gone “Corrrrrrr” for about a minute **)

Quickies 16 February 2018

UK QUICKIES

JOHNSON… In a big speech, Boris Johnson has tried to reassure voters alienated by Brexit that the UK's split from the EU is a cause for "hope not fear"…

 

(** He says we should be fearless… which we would be, if we could be sure he wasn’t hopeless **)

 

BRIDGES… Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has used a speech to try to build bridges with those who voted to remain in the EU…

 

(** Well, anything’s better than him travelling across to them on a zip wire **)

 

PETS… Labour says it wants to strengthen the rights of tenants to keep a pet in their properties as part of a package of proposed animal welfare measures….

 

(** The problem is that a lot of innocent, harmless-looking looking furry creatures can be very destructive if left unsupervised…  like Labrador puppies or Jeremy Corbyn **)

 

OXFAM… Many major firms are reviewing their relationship with Oxfam, with Visa and Marks and Spencer issuing condemnatory statements after the recent scandal…

 

(** I won’t be seen dead in an Oxfam shop now… though once I have died you may see my clothes in one **)

 

IRELAND… DUP leader Arlene Foster has said there's no current prospect of a deal to restore power-sharing in Northern Ireland…

 

(** Apparently, she’s too busy sharing power with Theresa May in Westminster **)

 

BUYERS... According to new figures the number of first time house buyers is at an 11 year high...

 

(** Now the bad news - Thanks to rising interest rates they'll be first time defaulters in 12 months time **)

 

BABY BOOM… New NHS figures have confirmed that there tends to be a baby boom nine months after Valentine's Day…

 

(** Well, you’ve got to do something with your partner when you find all the restaurants are booked up, I suppose **)

 

TEACHING PRIZE… A teacher from a north London Secondary school has been named as a top-10 finalist for a global teaching award with a million dollar prize…

 

(** Apparently she’s achieved something in the last 12 months that very few teachers thought possible – She didn’t resign… **)

 

EXAM… Poundland bosses have slammed a top teacher who's described the new GCSE Grade 4 as 'a Poundland pass'…

 

(** That’s absolutely not true… coz you’ll need an average of 2 GCSE Grade 4’s if you want to work there **)

 

TABLES… Thousands of eight and nine-year-olds in England's primary schools are to take a new ‘times-tables’ test this spring as part of an educational trial…

 

(** It’s mainly for those kids who are now so obese that their fingers are too fate for the buttons on their calculator **)

 

(** If you don’t want your child to learn them, in an ironic twist you can tell the teachers to go forth and multiply **)

 

SEX SURVEY… According to a new survey, 52% of British over-65s feel they don’t have enough sex…

 

(** To be fair, all they want to do is keep warm in bed without the cost of putting the electric blanket on **)

 

KEBAB… The finalists for the coveted title of Britain's Best Kebab shop have been named…

 

(** The winner gets a beautiful porcelain bowl… presumably with a drunken porcelain bloke leaning over it chucking up his donner **)

 

 

 

 

WORLD QUICKIES

ARMS… A former Canadian prime minister has said that female TV newscasters who show bare arms "undermine their credibility and gravitas"…

 

(** TV newscasters should exhibit anything bare… except at Fox News, where they specialise in bare-faced lies **)

 

CHESS… The World Chess Federation says its Swiss bank accounts have been closed after its president was accused of facilitating transactions on behalf of the Syrian government…

 

(** I love the way they told him – They said “You can’t sign a cheque, mate” **)

 

PACKAGING… New research has found that chemicals found in fast food packaging could cause weight gain by slowing your metabolism…

 

(** I'm no expert, but surely the fast food inside the packaging might have something to do with it? **)

 

 

 

ENTERTAINMENT QUICKIES

DRIVER… Actress Minnie Driver has stood down from her role as a celebrity ambassador for Oxfam in the wake of the scandal engulfing them…

 

(** She’d rather stay in the wholesome environment of the Hollywood film industry where sexual exploitation never happens **)

 

BRITS... It's been revealed that every star attending next week's Brit Awards will be given a white rose pin in support of the #TimesUp campaign.

 

(** That'll be interesting giving them all a pin - I bet half the rock stars there will try to find a vein with it **)

 

TV FOOTBALL… Sky and BT Sport have agreed to pay a staggering 4.46 billion pounds to broadcast Premier League football games for three seasons from 2019-20…

 

(** Now the bad news – You’ll have to be on a premiership player’s salary to afford their new subscription **)

 

BEATLES… The 50th anniversary of The Beatles' historic trip to India is being marked by an exhibition in Liverpool…

 

(** India is where they found peace and harmony… just a couple of years before they all started falling out and suing each other **)

 

UPTON… US superstar model Kate Upton has described the moment she was knocked off a rock by a large wave during a topless photo shoot…

 

(** I’ve seen pictures of her – I’m guessing she didn’t need any buoyancy aids throwing at her **)

 

(** Nice to know she can get affected by wet patches as well as causing them **)

 

DALEY… British Olympic diver Tom Daley has announced he is having a baby with his husband, US film director Dustin Lance Black….

 

(** Not sure how it’ll be delivered – But it’s odds on he’ll be going for the birthing pool **)

 

ORA… Rita Ora is set to join the cast of the live-action Pokemon movie 'Detective Pikachu', alongside Ryan Reynolds…

 

(** After her nearly nude snap earlier this week she won’t be Detective Pikachu – She’ll be the character “Take-a-pikachu” **)

 

KARDASHIAN… Kim Kardashian has been accused of neglecting her parenting duties in favour of stripping off online…

 

(** Yes – Rather than getting her boobs out for the public, she should be getting them out in public **)

 

ANT & DEC… ITV has revealed its plans to scrap the duo "Little Ant & Dec" from Saturday Night Takeaway…

 

(** I’m guessing little Ant is a lot more depressed than little Dec about it **)

 

DENCH… It's been confirmed that legendary actress Dame Judi Dench will have a horse racing in the Grand National this year…

 

(** Actors and Grand National horses are famously linked, coz Oliver Reed was a massive fan of Red Rum… well he was pretty partial to white rum as well, to be honest **)

 

BURRELL… I'm a Celebrity legends Paul Burrell and Vicky Pattison have returned to the jungle for the Australian version of the show which is being filmed in South Africa…

 

(** South Africa’s been hot by a drought recently – They must be hoping Paul Burrell’s constant tears will alleviate it **)

 

GALLAGHER… Noel Gallagher has slammed his sons, Sonny and Donovan, for being big fans of the UK grime scene…

 

(** They’re really into Big Narstie… which was even worse for Noel coz he thought that meant his brother **)

 

METALLICA… Heavy metal pioneers Metallica are to be honoured with Sweden's Polar Prize, one of the most prestigious awards in music…

 

(** They’re said to be delighted…unlike the winners of the Bi-Polar prize, who are incredibly angry as well **)

 

STRICTLY… Axed Strictly dancer Brendan Cole has appeared to confirm that AJ Pritchard and Mollie King had a romance while appearing on the show…

 

(** worrying news for her, coz he looked so young that I think having a relationship with him would be illegal **)

 

LOVE ISLAND… Love Island stars Chris Hughes and Olivia Attwood have reportedly ended their seven-month relationship days before the start of their reality TV show…

 

(**  I thought they’d be together forever… But I was wrong, coz “Forever” in terms of a Reality Show Relationship equals 8 months, not 7… **)